Lately I have been having so many flashbacks. I have to pinch myself because it's hard to believe I'm really this old with this many years between then and now.
A friend posted pictures from her childhood. You know, the faded yellow looking ones. Where you were wearing funny looking clothes and hair. Makes me think of my own childhood. How carefree and wonderful life was back then. The security of knowing mom and dad would take care of you, and your biggest worry was which barbie clothes you were going to trade. In my memories it is almost always summer. And most of my memories end with my dad who is no longer with us. 5 years and my heart still hurts.
Fast forward to high school. My girls have been through it already, and my son is now in it. The things they are experiencing, the decisions they have to make. Feels like yesterday I was right where they are at. If only I could teach them to learn from my mistakes. But it doesn't work that way...they have to learn on their own, and sometimes....sometimes I have to let them fall down.
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Those were the years I met and fell in love with my husband. Love so real. Why is it hard for me to believe that an 19 or 20 year old would even be considering marriage, when that is exactly where we were? We've grown so much over the years. Learned so much. I can honestly say that some years were not so nice. Like I wanted to die not nice. But I could never live without the love of my life. He truly does complete me.
I must admit that marriage does teach you to be more Christ like. Sacrificing, loving unconditionally, forgiving, serving. And if I had to, I would die for him. I'm so glad we are past the struggles of our youth, and entering our glory years. The nest is almost empty - and even though that pains my heart a bit, I'm so excited to rediscover him and I!
The baby years, oh the baby years. I loved being pregnant. Loved being a mama. I was born to be this person. Even now, I thoroughly enjoy have a grandchild - it is never a burden - it brings me great joy. Although B doesn't view children with the same eyes that I do - he brings a spark to their lives that I never could, he makes them laugh, he helps them discover, he teaches them to love music and to dance.
Fast forward through potty training and pimples and prom and graduation, and my firstborn baby is already getting married! Just like that she is a wife, and then a mommy, and now we have another thing in common. Another thing to share in this life. I never imagined how sweet having a daughter as a friend could be!
You hear about how great it is to be a grandparent. How if you could you would have the grand kids first. But you don't truly understand this until you become one. My grandson brings so much joy to my heart. It is crazy cool to be able to pass things on to you children, and then your grandchildren. It has been amazing watching my husband soften over the years with children and when I watch him now, with our young grandson, my heart turns to a puddle. He has definitely gotten better with age.
So where does that leave me now? Pretty much all over the board. My oldest is married and a single mom at the moment while her husband is deployed. I want to be there for her and L - as much as I can. Sometimes this requires over night daycare or getting the little man ready for the babysitter while I get ready for work, or picking up some diaper cream while I am out at the store or running dad to her apartment to fix the garbage disposal. It might mean a quick phone call or text to ask how I cook chicken or what does it mean when you get this charge on your statement. Do I get tired? Yes. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Am I spread thin sometimes? Yes. Would I ever give it up? NO!
My second born is in college. The first one of the family to go away to a 4 year college. There are days it is hard to look at her empty room. When she comes home for a visit, my heart has to break all over again when it's time to say goodbye. There are schedules and roommates and finances to worry about. How do I apply for this and what do I do next. Should I or shouldn't I? Debt, oh my goodness debt. College life, parties, experiences. I'm on my knees often. She makes me proud even though I am frightened. She is an extremely talented artist. My strong willed second born. She has little fear and when she sets out to do something she sticks to it. She helps me when she is home. She makes me laugh. She keeps to herself and doesn't share with me like her older sister does...but when the time is right and the mood is perfect I get to see a glimpse inside. In many ways she is so much like her father, yet so much like me.
And my baby. I always thought the girls would be the hard ones as teens. He challenges us daily. The boy hates school. He is so smart and naturally gifted with computers and engines or anything that needs fixing or figuring out. The problem is he lacks discipline and maturity. I will be on my knees a lot these next few years. I am going to have to step back from a busy schedule, and pour myself into his life to help him through. The good news is underneath that bad boy exterior is an extremely large heart. This is what I like to nurture and develop. Some day, his big heart is going to do big things for God's glory. I just have to be patient and diligent and watch as God works.
Then there is mom. Mom is a 75 year old lady in an 85 year old woman's body. Definitely older then her years. She desires so much attention and care. She has many ailments and hangups. Some how being the baby I got dubbed as her Power of Attorney, which comes with a lot of responsibility. Taking care of her finances, living arrangements, health concerns and well being is a lot of work. But she deserves it. She worked full-time for years while raising us four kids. She was always kind and loving and a tad bit silly. She was there for me, and so now I want to be there for her. I pray that some day my own children are there for me! Many times I feel guilt at the short temper or harsh word I may have given her. I want to be a better daughter.
Of course I need to put God and my husband first. Finding time to spiritually grow and be fed is challenging with a schedule like above. I need God's word to teach and guide me. I need the devil to quit allowing me to be distracted. I desire time in prayer with Him. I desire to be an encouragement to my brothers and sisters in Christ. This takes on a whole other schedule of it's own. Knowing where and when to draw the line is difficult.
And B - I don't need to clear my schedule for him. I just have to remind myself to slow down and listen to his needs. Be there for him. Whether it is sitting and watching the Packers with him or going to watch him play softball. Perhaps listening to him talk about drill presses which I know nothing about, or talking about politics which make my head spin. I love the quiet times when we go for a walk or as we lay in bed just before we fall asleep. Those are the rare moments we truly have alone to talk and plan and dream.
Just writing it all down in black and white causes me to sigh. Some days I feel like I can't do any one thing well because there are just too many things. Add to the list a nearly full-time job, where I manage a staff of 5. It is a beast of its own with plenty of scheduling, planning, auditing, training, encouraging, sales, and detailed organization. I could do all the other things listed above, full-time, without a full-time job. And I would love nothing more, but right now I will work full-time here and there. I daily have to remind myself to rest in where God has me.
No one has the right to ask me how I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday or why I'm always late. No one can, until they've walked in my shoes.
And this is what I'm thinking of tonight, as the movie reel of my life plays loudly in my head. My eyes grow heavy and my shoulders weary. My Savior calls for some quiet time alone with him. With that, I will sign off. For now.
